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Zoom (2006) Sony Pictures Entertainment 1 hr. 23 mins. Starring: Chevy Chase, Tim Allen, Courteney Cox, Spencer Breslin, Kate Mara, Michael Cassidy, Ryan Newman, Rip Torn, Kevin Zegers Directed by: Peter Hewitt This film is rated: PG Zoom Rating:  
E-MAIL FRANK OCHIENG Hands down: Zoom is one of the most pointless and exhausting family fare releases in years. Relentlessly inane, monotonously cheesy, and tediously executed, this junior league Sky High rip-off is about as sensible as a squared bowling ball. More important, it catapults poor Chevy Chase back as a joke-riddled punching bag in the “bad movies spectacle” mode he worked so hard to erase from his forgettable moviemaking mishaps of yesteryear. Infantile, unfocused and dreadfully inept, Zoom is badly conceived in every which way but loose. Poor acting, poor scripting, poor editing, poor dialogue, poor stilted special effects—this family-oriented fantasy is so POOR that it makes a downtown flea-bitten homeless shelter look like the Ritz-Carlton. Filmmaker Peter Hewitt (“Garfield”) helms a totally faceless fable that strains for enlightenment but merely ends up as disastrous diversion. This mess is inexcusable on every level imaginable and to call this whimsical wasteland a “piece of fluff” would be the major understatement of the year. As for the presence of Tim Allen being secluded in yet another drowsy dud, why would anyone be surprised at all? Painfully realized, Zoom is a sophomoric kiddie sideshow that’s overactive in its shabby imagination. Perhaps Allen would like to take over the consistent flimsy filmmaking drudgery that the aforementioned Chase seemingly abandoned quite some time ago? Loosely based on the “Zoom’s Academy” books, Hewitt’s regurgitating romp captures the instant essence of stupidity and staleness. There’s nothing remotely spry or intriguing about this vapid vehicle beyond its simplistic impishness for probing six-year olds. Dismally concocted, Zoom is calming in one major sense—of course considering that you’re in a comatose state at that particular moment. Sadly, this juiceless juvenile Galaxy Quest copycat is a cheapened elaboration on the overwrought superhero overload that movie audiences have been feasting on for the better part of the movie season. If this realm of forethought was to appeal to the youngsters (please note the annoying Smashmouth soundtrack as an enticing entity) then fine—what better way to bribe the younger demographics than to lull them senseless with this rancid, ragtag actioner? Jack Shepard/Catain Zoom (Tim Allen) is living peacefully and has put his superpower prowess to rest. But soon Jack will be persuaded to get back into servicing the Army as they need him in the cause to combat the evil presence known as Concussion. The trigger-happy General Larraby (Rip Torn) convinces Jack/Captain Zoom to oversee the Zenith Patrol—a group of skilled youngsters with powerful abilities that overwhelm the mind. In other words, think The Fantastic Four and/or sawed-off X-Men if they came in the size and stature as impressionable rugrats. Anyway, has-been Jack is being paid handsomely by the government officials to whip these amazing kids into superhero-saving shape. Admittedly weary, Jack’s only motivation for playing babysitter to these talented tykes is to be compensated for his so-called “know-how” insights. Among the little packages of power pubescence are strength guru Cindy (Ryan Newman), chubby stretch artist Tucker (Spencer Breslin), invisible wonder boy Dylan (Michael Cassidy) and telekinetic tart Summer (Kate Mara). Will Jack, despite his indifference, learn to care more for these unique kids than he planned to in the first place? And will these Romper Room rescuers come to grips with their inherited gifts of crime-fighting techniques? Will everybody find redemption at some point before the sinister forces arrive to wreak its expected havoc? Hmmm, what do you think? The slow-poking plot behind Zoom just sits there in lifelessness as nothing interesting really transpires. Allen’s supposed disenchantment for his high-paid duties to train mighty minors is never convincing at all. Maybe it’s because Allen is understandably bored with this lingering and lopsided material that never sparkles or ignites the puffy proceedings that persist. The laziness being demonstrated in Zoom is evidenced in the convenient montages, tired sequences and redundant sight gags. Even Allen’s Captain Zoom—fed up with the governmental honchos that he distrusts so passionately—doesn’t incorporate the stinging cynicism needed to push the subversive commentary about the “Big Brother” mentality. And when things become repetitive, silly-minded or comically challenged, isolated alternative music is played in the background in a feeble attempt to add breezy levity to a futile farce searching for its desperate spunkiness. As for the featured youngsters involved in Allen’s/Jack’s/Zoom’s beleaguered existence, they are the typical wacky adolescents that barely overshadow the preschool antics as witnessed in past insufferable sci-fi kid-friendly nonsense such as Superbabies: Baby Geniuses. The movie is littered with the obligatory flamboyancy of flatulence, belching, nose-dripping fluids, etc. After a while, you feel tremendously embarrassed for the leading and supporting players that are sucked in by this innocuous drip of a movie. Screenwriters Adam Rifkin and David Berenbaum cobble this patched-up mayhem together as if to throw oatmeal against a wall and call the resulting stain “an amusing anecdote.” Hence, Zoom is about has funny as a chemotherapy session. In playing a buffoonish scientist named Dr. Grant, Chase is severely wasted and his few goofy-minded scenes are about as soothing as a sword swallower with strep throat. As beautiful yet clumsy research assistant Miss Holloway, Courteney Cox stumbles artistically and should be grateful for her nostalgic turn on the defunct sitcom Friends. And what in the world happened to the great Rip Torn? Surely some haven’t forgotten his participation in the indigestible Freddie Got Fingered. Torn doesn’t make things any easier in this thinly veiled pile of poop either. Overall, this sluggish, strung-together piece of pap will eventually drift away much like a dry cough. In the long run, the only Zoom-ing effect that was appetizing was rushing to the lighted exit sign when the movie’s hapless closing credit outtakes were rolling feverishly. In retrospect, this will be the longest 83 minutes you’ll ever endure. Trust me. Click here to comment on this review or post your own thoughts. Frank Ochieng © TheWorldJournal.com |
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