Top Box Office Movies - Frank Ochieng's Top 10 Worst Films of 2005

click for the top ten best movies of the year list

And now, Frank Ochieng’s Top Ten Worst Films of 2005 are:

1. ALONE IN THE DARK (Lions Gate Films)

Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “…woefully murky and meaningless. The world’s most durable and heavy duty flashlight couldn’t bring an ounce of brightness to the underwhelming Alone in the Dark.”

BOTTOM LINE: The film ridiculously asks moviegoers to accept staunch party girl Tara Reid as an intelligent and analytical scientist. Enough said. Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark makes Planet Nine from Outer Space look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

2. BE COOL (MGM/UA)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “As slick and flippant as Be Cool thinks it is in content, Gray merely provides an atmospheric three ring circus where the caustic clowns aimlessly run the ragged show.”

BOTTOM LINE: An instantly forgettable follow-up to the slick 1995 hit mobster comedy Get Shorty. F. Gary Gray throws all the anemic wackiness that he can muster up in this pseudo-stylish laugher without realizing how strained his myopic mockery really is in concept.

3. DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO (Sony Pictures Entertainment)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “...mean-spirited and sophomoric sexual slapstick with all the trivial charm of a sloppy hickey on the neck...an extended dirty joke looking for perverse praise and attention.”

BOTTOM LINE: Not only is this putrid Rob Schneider vehicle starving for laughs but also desperate for recognition as a frivolous farce. Pimping isn’t easy for our dimwitted Deuce—it’s just plain tedious. A prolonged toothache will gain more legit chuckles than this raunchy flop.

4. DIRTY LOVE (First Look)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “Dreadfully lacking...about as awkwardly received as a training bra on Anna Nicole Smith’s bouncy bosom...a cheap-minded farce aimed at the lowest common denominator.”

BOTTOM LINE: Former MTV hostess Jenny McCarthy haplessly wrote and starred in this terribly unfunny raw romancer about deception and scorned love. As bouncy and off-kilter that Dirty Love tries to be in its goofy mode, this cheesy 95-minute dud didn’t last long in movie theaters. McCarthy may be curvaceous eye candy but her numbing flick was one great big cinematic cavity.

5. THE HONEYMOONERS (Paramount Pictures)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “Is it acceptable if we skipped this particular honeymoon and head right over to the divorce settlement instead?”

BOTTOM LINE: The riotous Cedric the Entertainer headlined an inexplicably toothless big screen remake of the classic Honeymooners television series. It’s safe to say that the late great Jackie Gleason and Art Carney can rest in peace knowing that this charmless ebony version of their legendary boob tube gem has nothing to worry about creatively.

6. KING’S RANSOM (New Line Cinema)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “Jeff Byrd haphazardly assembles a bunch of overly exaggerated caricatures and parades them around in a dissolving farce that has all the wayward charm of a botched lobotomy.”

BOTTOM LINE: A dismissive and droll comedy of errors that toils in the tepid humor of mistaken identities, cherished greediness and calculating cardboard cut-ups going through the silly-minded motions. Trust your instincts…there’s nothing remotely prosperous about the labored laugher King’s Ransom.

7. MAN OF THE HOUSE (Columbia Pictures)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “...a languishing farce...the welcoming cleavage of the strutting tasty tarts aren’t enough to breathe life into this interminable Texas-style football fable.”

BOTTOM LINE: One still must be scratching their head wondering why the likes of stoic yet sensible Tommy Lee Jones would lend his presence to such a clumsy and callow comedy involving Texan scenery, T&A and touchdowns. In short, the Man of this particular House makes for a shabby breadwinner!

8. THE PERFECT MAN (Universal Pictures)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “Inherently mawkish, simplistic and exceedingly numbing, this movie is woefully incomplete—much like a stale Twinkie treat without the creamy filling inside.”

BOTTOM LINE: Teen sensation Hilary Duff’s cutesy vehicle is sickeningly synthetic in its sweetness. For the undiscriminating teenyboppers, The Perfect Man is sugar and spice and everything not so nice. This is a waste of celluloid that preaches about an irresponsible parent and her bubbly, intrusive offspring. Undoubtedly, Perfect is a truly an embarrassing vanity project for Duff and co-stars Heather Locklear and Chris Noth.

9. SON OF THE MASK (New Line Cinema)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “...messy and meandering. Clearly, this banal computer-generated clunker has all the witty bounce of a disabled kangaroo. Mask needs to hide its hideous face.”

BOTTOM LINE: A boisterous and irredeemable computer-generated comedy that’s complete with toilet jokes and other juvenile nonsense worth flushing down a willing drain. A crass hyperactive sequel to the manic and enjoyable The Mask that’s missing so many key elements: Jim Carrey, a welcoming zany spirit and a reasonable purpose for existing…among other things.

10. VENOM (Dimension Films)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “Venom is indeed a horror show but for other reasons entirely...just another colorless creepy tale right off the conveyor belt of sluggish imagination.”

BOTTOM LINE: This bayou-based boofest featuring all sorts of voodoo and snakes slithers on its baseless belly while building all the durable tension of a house of cards during a harsh windstorm. Venom relentlessly bites but in clunks of its own atmospheric foolishness.

HONORABLE MENTION

11. HIGH TENSION (Lions Gate Films)
Frank’s original movie rating:

[ click for review ]

Frank’s unfavorable impression: “...[a] groundless gorefest...High Tension pounces on the opportunity to swagger in its meaningless artsy shock value.”

BOTTOM LINE: There’s nothing truly suspenseful or wickedly imaginative about the French frightfest High Tension. Simply put, it’s utterly senseless and without a sadomasochistic backbone that triggers any jittery reaction working on your unsuspecting nerves.

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Frank Ochieng
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