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The Perfect Man (2005) Universal Pictures 1 hr. 36 mins. Starring: Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear, Chris Noth, Aria Wallace, Vanessa Lengies, Mike O’Malley Directed by: Mark Rosman Perfect Man Rating:  
E-MAIL FRANK OCHIENG So are we ready for another annoying Hilary Duff-starring vehicle in the form of the banal bubblegum romancer The Perfect Man? Maybe an army of non-picky teenyboppers are willing to embrace Duff and her usual formulaic fluff of pop songs and other predictable platitudes. But for the rest of us, this sampling of pretentious pre-teen pap will be automatic torture. For those that haven’t digested properly Ms. Duff’s last tepid tease in the sugary songbird saga Raise Your Voice then cheer up because more pointless examinations of trivial feminine angst is on the way. Again, the understanding of marketing a surging commodity such as Hilary Duff’s caliber is indeed big business. After all, one would be a fool not to exploit the inexplicable appeal of this Disneyesque diva with the eager eyes and boundless energy to match. But there are just so many times that Duff’s misguided handlers can keep trapping their impressionable meal ticket in flimsy and forgettable fables about sickly sweet teen gals involving themselves in cutesy conflicts of interest. In short, the concept of a Duff flick that espouses such an insipid account of an off-balanced mother-daughter relationship feels about as repetitive and tiring as blasting a vintage 80’s MTV video featuring Madonna in her ripped jeans and crucifix phase. The novelty of innocent yet curvaceous blonde-haired and bubbly bombshells being thrown into the latest ill-conceived “girlie empowerment” theatrical release is beginning to run its course. Director Mark Rosman and screenwriter Gina Wendkos concoct an insufferable sitcom-style premise involving a disillusioned Holly Hamilton (Duff) who must invent a secret admirer for her knockout fortysomething single mother Jean (the still nicely preserved Heather Locklear) in order to maintain a sense of stability. When Jean somehow suffers the inevitable heartbreak of an unreliable suitor, poor Holly and her younger sibling Zoe (Aria Wallace) pay the ultimate price by packing up their gear as their mother decides to move on to yet another venue only to repeat the same cycle of disappointing love. In the latest relocation project that has the trio of Hamilton heroines departing Wichita, Kansas and ending up in Brooklyn, New York, Holly must think of a durable scheme to remain stationary unless she and Zoe are ready to memorize their next zip code due to their mother’s rash bout with insecurity. Through voice-over confessions, we hear Holly desperately read her blog as she recalls the past and present scatterbrained intentions of Jean and her tendencies to force the family to wander around like nomads in the desert. With the assistance of her new pal Amy (Vanessa Lengies), Holly manipulates the insightful musings of her friend’s handsome uncle Ben (Chris Noth) who offers academic tips on the art of soothing a woman’s affectionate heart. Unknowingly, Ben is volunteering as the sacrificial lothario lamb for Jean—an ambitious plan that hopefully will provocatively pit Holly’s gorgeous fickle mother against Amy’s hunkish uncle in a potential amorous predicament. The romancing information that Ben provides for the inquisitive girls is under the conditional guise that his input would be used for a school project pertaining to “the wooing of women” course being studied by his niece and her colleague. Through wacky circumstances involving manufactured love letters and suggestive e-mails generated by the impishly determined Holly, these correspondences are forwarded to Jean’s attention in the name and likeness of an unwitting Ben. Not only that, the tenacious teens must make sure that Jean and Ben are never spotted in the same place at the same time. Otherwise, the truth may leak out and this whole ruse will be spoiled. Hence, all the hard work and devotion to keeping Holly’s mother’s lovestruck psyche in tact will be wasted for nothing! The consequences of this failed mission will result in—heaven’s forbid—the unwelcoming sight of yet another moving truck in the backyard for Holly and Zoe to stomach one more time! Actually, the imagination behind the set up for The Perfect Man isn’t such a bad idea in theory. Besides, what child hasn’t felt embarrassed, compromised or uncomfortable by his/her parent’s propensity for demonstrating quirky, bizarre, or unconventional behavior? Maybe you were put off by Dad’s clumsy attempt to be chatty in front of your friends and as he tried to show how uncool he really is by destroying the latest verbal slang or lingo used by today’s youth? How about Mom’s insistence on bringing out the baby photos to show off to your disinterested chums? The entertaining potential for showcasing the fine line between off-kilter parent/children behavioral expectations were endless. However, Rosman (A Cinderella Story) is never able to adequately stage this sappy sentiment to the point of being believable in all its gleeful gumption. In fact, The Perfect Man is a dopey and disposable comedy of domestic dysfunctionalism at its lamest (hmmm…try saying this ten times fast!). There’s nothing that rings completely true in this silly-minded and saccharine-coated farce. We’re supposed to root for self-absorbed teens that can only express themselves in tripe indulgences of trickery as opposed to them honestly confronting their beleaguered mother about her erratic behavior. Plus, the clueless grown-ups in the movie are grounded in a perpetual haze of stupidity being passed off as convenient neurosis. And where’s the appropriate punishment for Holly and Amy’s deception? What are the ramifications for such debauchery concerning kids overstepping their bounds in an adult-oriented situation? Will Jean realize that her romantic stagnation causes such chaos for her daughters to create such a three-ring circus in the first place? And as Ben, why is Noth’s character so darn gullible? Why would any guy in his right mind consider botching up things with a stunning looker such as Locklear’s Jean? Better yet, why would a motherly knockout such as Locklear’s Jean be such a numerous loser in love? And even if a so-called physical prized-trophy such as Jean is entitled to her bad luck relationships here and there, why doesn’t the movie aptly address why this troubled hot-looking single woman with offspring would have such a horrible time holding on to the men in her life? Just what is it about Jean that is passionate poison to the revolving men that invade her life despite her movie star appearance? The movie seems to settle for the easy obviousness of having Jean poised in despair by her lovesick woes merely to justify the gimmick of Holly’s kooky chicanery. Bottom line: the fruitless The Perfect Man is nothing but a glorified gooey stunt. This is all basic cookie cutter stuff. Inherently mawkish, simplistic and exceedingly numbing, this movie is woefully incomplete—much like a stale Twinkie treat without the creamy filling inside. Click here to comment on this review or post your own thoughts. Frank Ochieng © TheWorldJournal.com |
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