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Alone in the Dark (2005) Lions Gate Films 1 hr. 36 mins. Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, William Sanderson, Robert C. Bruce Directed by: Uwe Bol Alone in the Dark Rating:  
E-MAIL FRANK OCHIENG Geez, the uneventful month of January hasn’t even concluded yet but that doesn’t stop certain uncaring movie studios from tossing remaining cheesy junk on the big screen in a futile effort to clear their cluttered shelves. Besides, some of these distributors should at least have some heart when considering that it’s way too early in the year for movie critics and film fans alike to start contemplating their top ten worst films for 2005. Well, at least director Uwe Bol’s excruciatingly tired and tepid action-oriented suspense piece Alone in the Dark is an automatic and dubious choice given that it will undoubtedly be included on various bad movie-oriented lists as the new movie season trudges onward. Whenever a randy pseudo-flashy and flimsy fantasy is headed up by suspect third rate leads Christian Slater and curvaceous kook Tara Reid one must not claim ignorance when choosing to avoid the warning signs. Alone in the Dark—the film’s apt title—describes the empty feeling one will maintain when watching this sci-fi stinker in an unlit, dank movie theater. Woefully murky and meaningless from the introduction of the opening credits, Alone in the Dark is even too incompetent to be an intentional camp-ridden miscue. As a filmmaker, Bol (House of the Dead) insists on overseeing this comatose creature-feature farce that serves no purpose other than to remind science fiction buffs that they can be doing something better with their time—perhaps maybe drawing in their nostalgic Star Wars coloring books? Based on the video game (hmmm…that should be yet another glaring signal to tip off folks who were erroneously expecting a halfway decent flick), Alone in the Dark is an example of putrid patchwork at its lamest. There’s nothing special here that would make an overstuffed carnivorous alien burp on cue. If your idea of adequate cinema consists of showcasing well-paid irritating C-list stars that can’t act then great…knock yourself out. Or if you cherish a relentlessly scatterbrained plot, bargain basement CGI special effects and a barrage of cliched-driven flourishes that are so pervasive in this overwrought genre then bingo—you struck an unlikely sense of misplaced glee with wanting to be in the Dark. In usual distracting form, a smirking Slater plays a former off-the-cuff paranormal investigator named Edward Canby. When Canby stumbles across a desired gem that may be a revered link to the ancient rivalry involving the conflicting philosophies of good and evil, he must determine the value of such a rare artifact. Alertly, he consults his ex gal pal Aline (Tara Reid), an intelligent assistant curator/archeologist (please resist the temptation to chuckle) about the treasured trinket he’s found. Soon, Canby’s checkered past will play an important part in his upcoming misadventures with the teaming of radiant Aline and their mysterious prized possession. In an extraordinary bid to preserve order in the world, Canby and Aline must confront the sinister forces that dare to disturb their current existence. To ensure that some of the thick-headed audience could grasp the simple-minded concepts involving mysterious civilizations, madcap researchers and a shady governmental outfit known as Bureau 713, we’re treated to a patronizing opening where a voiceover sets the stage for this otherwise flaccid fable. In other words, the filmmakers were obliged to service the condescending gesture of having a narrator read the scrolling text off the screen—courtesy for all of you illiterates out there who couldn’t decipher the Mickey Mouse-style layout of wording. Gee, how thoughtful, huh? Methodically, Bol’s nonsensical narrative rambles on without giving any serious consideration to the scarce storyline or the sketchy character developments that are all but abandoned. The film’s inexplicable insistence on scattering bothersome beastly intruders as an entertaining obstacle for the protagonists to blast away at will seems so aimless and inconsequential. It’s as if Bol and his handlers were trying to ad lib their way to an excitable climax as the movie meanders in search of its spontaneous pithiness. Overall, Alone in the Dark can’t escape its choking muck as it fails on every level imaginable to view as a palatable chesseball sci-fi actioner. Sadly, Alone in the Dark makes other uninspiring video-games-into-movie projects such as the Resident Evil and Lara Croft Tomb Raider film series look like Citizen Kane in comparison. The hammy over-the-top antics of Slater as a wayward action figurehead certainly scream volumes of indigestion. And having perennial party gal Reid being passed off as a capable professional woman with advanced knowledge is like expecting amorous NBA players to endorse a program for planned parenthood. It’s just not believable. The only thing convincing about the transparent participants in this spoiled spectacle is the manner in which they will get the last laugh on the clueless crowd witnessing them in one of the worst boisterous blunders of the year. The world’s most durable and heavy duty flashlight couldn’t bring an ounce of brightness to the underwhelming Alone in the Dark. Click here to comment on this review or post your own thoughts. Frank Ochieng © TheWorldJournal.com |
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