Top Box Office Movies

Van Helsing (2004) Universal Pictures
2 hrs. 25 mins.
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, Elena Anaya, David Wenham, Shuler Hensley, Kevin J. O’Connor
Directed by: Stephen Sommers

Van Helsing

Rating:

E-MAIL FRANK OCHIENG

Photo: Universal Pictures

Sure, horror movies are meant to be off-putting and frightening in general. And yes, they also have a tendency to promote the camp factor and lean on some of the creepy cliched conventions it gleefully dominates in these over-indulgent scarefests. Then there’s an over-produced and slick entry such as filmmaker Stephen Sommers’s vampire venture Van Helsing, an exceedingly glossy but empty-headed thrill-seeking monsters mash mishap that boasts competent big-budgeted special effects but nothing else. Whereas the horror genre is the kind of escapist popcorn pleaser that derives its charm from the simplest form of fun-loving cheesy chills usually resulting in a senseless but satisfying bloodbath, Sommers doesn’t take the time to instill some petrifying personality in his numbing narrative. Basically, Van Helsing is all atmospheric and relentlessly sketchy thus ignoring the real ingredient that stimulates a captivating creep show—promoting solid and imaginative storytelling worthy of genuinely shocking the system.

There’s no doubt that Sommers oversees what amounts to be a stylish tongue-in-cheek fright session equipped with a mysterious anti-hero hunk hunting down the vermin in redemptive mode as the nonsensical and overactive rhythms of this calculating clunker threaten to bombard your tiresome senses. The allure to Sommers’s pitiful but plucky period piece is curiously the same as the problematic approach to this tedious material—the insistence of trying to drill this boisterous and banal nineteenth century creature feature down our collective throats. Bogged with exaggerated references that awkwardly pay homage to some of the great monster movies of all time and the nagging inclination to blast viewers with overwrought CGI flourishes that spread wildly like a disagreeable rash on a toddler’s derriere, Van Helsing is definitely a ridiculous pill to swallow.

Sommers, who directed the equally stiff Mummy sequels, tries to pry and poke at his flaccid fantasy adventure by cramming in an explosive array of sensational tics in a misguided effort to move the story along. However, with uninvolved and incomplete characters trapped in a drowsy and dark assault of high-wire haunting, Sommers cannot compensate for the silly-minded sentiments that notoriously invade this surging spookfest. Truly, Van Helsing will go down as one of the more forgettable and flagrantly spotty films of the year. Indeed, one will have a better time braiding the Wolfman’s hairy mane or robbing a blood bank with Dracula as opposed to enduring this demonizing dud.

Hugh Jackman stars as the title character, the 19th century trenchcoat-sporting monster-for-hire slayer that roams the territory looking for some considerable cretins to dispose. Van Helsing is a no nonsense man that wouldn’t be automatically confused with being the garrulous type. However, he does all his therapeutic expressing by bashing the beasts—the name of his particular game. In fact, Helsing doesn’t know much about his dismissive past but definitely makes up for this void by slaughtering critters and creating a distinctive reputation for himself in the present. Case in point: the Vatican has the monosyllabic monster-eliminating menace on their speed dial in the event that they need Helsing’s invaluable services.

Van Helsing’s latest challenge is to head off for Transylvania where his mission involves tracking down the legendary fiend of all bloodsuckers, the Fanged One himself—Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh). However, Van Helsing won’t high-tail it to Transylvania alone as he enlists the assistance of a resilient and offbeat friar named Carl (David Wenham from Lord of the Rings) and contact Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale). It is Anna’s relatives that has a unique bond with the sought out Dracula that Helsing hopes to capitalize on in the process of tracking down the neck-munching nuisance.

What’s so revealing is that the dastardly Dracula has a specific agenda in mind. Hence, Helsing and his company need to step in and prevent the madness before things get a little too chaotic to handle. The dubious plan: Dracula wants to take charge of the territory by raising an army of ominous offspring thus creating an empire that would cater to his twisted vision. Before the trio can come to the rescue and put a stop to Dracula’s dirty deeds, they must contend with his evil forces of minions in the collective embodiment of various vampire brides, werewolves, and other monstrous meanies looking to do the evil-minded bidding for their lecherous leader. Heck, even the Frankenstein Monster (Shuler Hensley) is on board to defend the honor of the duplicitous Dracula.

There’s nothing here that will take away the derivative core of this hammered together frightful farce. Unfortunately, Sommers does not help his cause any by ushering this interminable flick that’s unbelievably laughable if not imbecilic in content. The numerous scenes feel like filler, particularly when the film feels the need to stock up on the excessive amount of the technical tactics to distract us from inquiring about the pointless plotlines that are about as cold and abandoned as a makeshift grave. Clearly, Van Helsing had the making for a raucous romp if only the film bothered to get its focus on course as a sure-fire summertime hit at the movies. With the exciting prospect of monsters galore roaming the celluloid landscape, you wouldn’t think that Sommers’s exposition would be so ridiculously lacking.

Jackman, no stranger to being around big screen beast baddies since he played the favorite scene-stealing Wolverine in the X-Men movies, looks terribly disconnected with his alter ego and strangely goes through the motions without channeling the charismatic vibes that he’s capable of pulling off so effortlessly. And Beckinsale, arguably very radiant and responsive in this manufactured mess, may have some recalling her work in a similar garish-themed vehicle in 2003’s Underworld. As Anna, this portrayal is a regurgitation of what she’s done before so there’s not much of a stretch in terms of Beckinsale’s take on the periled pretty Anna. Wenham’s Carl will probably get the thumbs up for his saucy sidekick duties to compliment Jackman’s stoic Helsing but that’s not really saying much. Roxburgh, to be fair and honest, does an exceptional over-the-top stint as the villainous blood-sniffing cad Dracula.

Inexplicably barren and hasty in bringing some frothy gore and guts to the table, the clueless handlers behind Van Helsing should have considered giving this half-hearted actioner a blood transfusion. At least this would have made Count Dracula a little bit inspired to sink his teeth into this hackneyed horror show.

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Frank Ochieng
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