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So it’s that time once again to recall the painful hours that we all had to endure when checking out the sour cinema that crossed our paths in 2004. One might have nightmares regarding the middling movies that were displayed with all the expected collapse of a house of cards during a mighty windstorm. But, as moviegoers and movie reviewers know alike, you take your good film-going experiences with the bad ones. Thus, you create the possibilities of stumbling upon nonsensical and numbing flicks that tarnish your cinematic sensibilities. Hey, it comes with the territory I suppose. In any event, let’s see what your resident reviewer considers what the lower expectations were as far as the disappointing film fare that ruined our screening eyes were concerned. Granted that some of my selections may not be viewed as ghastly in some folks’ estimation. In fact, I am sure that there are probably MORE deserving duds to be acknowledged that need attention than the choices I have recognized. If you feel strongly about discounting my terrible treats then so be it. I suggest you come up with some cinema stinkers fitting your idea of monotonous movie-going tendencies. Because there are so many possible candidates to consider we can only tap into the ten elite bombs that caught our attention instantly. And now in alphabetical order, here are my Top 10 Worst Movies of 2004: Alexander [ click for review ] Surprisingly, gifted yet controversial Oscar-winning director Oliver Stone served up an erratic and bloated costume drama in the disjointed and laughable biopic saga Alexander. Although visually appetizing as an elaborate production, Stone’s lopsided ode to the Macedonian military man with the ambition to conquer the world (as well as his bi-sexual curiosities) crumbles in exhaustive execution. With pedestrian direction, stilted and silly-minded dialog, mismatched accents that would make the United Nations envy, overwrought fight sequences and a hackneyed script that’s uninspiring, Stone’s sandals-and-sword stinker is a major disappointment to behold. Stone’s prized pet project simply turned into a pet rock—solid in appearance but rather clunky, bland, and blank in emotion. This is an inexcusable, hapless historical showcase for a filmmaker that should have prepared and performed in the magnitude expected for his artistic capabilities. Sadly, Stone’s Alexander made the earlier and similar released offering Troy look like Ben Hur in comparison. Catwoman [ click for review ] Desirable Oscar-winning babe Halle Berry clawed her way into the purrrrfect “cat”-astrophe by agreeing to partake in filmmaker Pitof’s callow catnip caper Catwoman. Yes, watching Berry strut around in a skin-tight costume isn’t the worst thing imaginable—it’s the ONLY appealing thing that stimulated me during this stultifying superhero saga. Otherwise, this embarrassing and inconsequential display of a meek and disillusioned graphic artist named Patience Phillips (Berry) who liberates her wild side through her alter ego Catwoman was about as exciting as emptying an unattended litter box. Clearly, the sensual and savvy Berry is wasted in a pointless cartoonish vehicle that never amounts to anything intriguing or campy for that matter. Berry’s curvaceous critter is something to crave for but the staid material that traps her in this diminished drama is about as rewarding as sipping sour milk through a straw. Hmmm…where’s Julie Newmar or Eartha Kitt when you really need them? Christmas with the Kranks [ click for review ] To quote that misunderstood Christmas crank Ebenezer Scrooge: “Bah Humbug!” These sentiments can be applied to the hollow holiday ruse Christmas with the Kranks, an utterly manipulative and moronic satire on the commercialism and consumer-induced chaos that dominates the true spirit of Christmas. Kranks is probably one of the worst pseudo-sentimental Yuletide flicks to irritate the seasonal senses in a long time. Based on the novel “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham, “CwtK” is a clumsy comedy of errors that relies on the obligatory pratfalls and the silly-coated cynical backlash that’s performed by spurned cardboard caricatures. Tim Allen (The Santa Claus) and Jamie Lee Curtis (Freaky Friday) star as the Krank couple that decides to abandon their annual Christmas ritual of entertaining the community with their extravagant hosting gig by taking a cruise instead while avoiding the fuss. This movie could have been a shrewd commentary on the wicked observation that Christmas has lost its genuine meaning to the selfish interests of aimless gluttony. However, Christmas with the Kranks doesn’t aspire to such depth or deviousness in perception. It settles for being yet another soulless slapstick romp for the mediocre ages. Talking about putting coal in one’s stocking! The Exorcist: The Beginning [ click for review ] Seriously, was one really clamoring for another subpar sequel (or in some cases a prequel) to the classic William Friedkin creep show The Exorcist? Evidently filmmaker Renny Harlin tried to fill the void and capitalize on the guaranteed success of the legendary frightfest that made child star Linda Blair the darling of the demented. After such prior soiled efforts as The Exorcist: The Heretic you’d think that Harlin would know better than to try and exploit the further predictable adventures of Lucifer. In The Beginning, we are introduced to the early days of Father Merrin (played by Stellan Skarsgard who’s in the part originated by Max Von Sydow from the original film) and how he became involved with his early battles against the occult. Inexplicably grainy and overwrought in its bloody-gushing banality, The Exorcist: The Beginning was another example of a pointless and protrusive shivering showcase wearing out its wayward welcome. Johnson Family Vacation [ click for review ] Welcome to the poor man’s ebony version of the National Lampoon Vacation flicks. Shockingly, extreme funnyman Cedric the Entertainer was seriously wasted in this dour domestic comedy that clumsily chronicled the misadventures of a dysfunctional family taking a road trip in order to meet up with the rest of their Midwestern relatives at a familial retreat. Director Christopher Erskin and screenwriters Earl Richey Jones and Todd R. Jones slap together a juiceless and juvenile script that wearily exhausts the so-called hollow-induced humor that this flick awkwardly promotes with lackluster flair. The funny bits are sketchy at best and the cockeyed characterizations are more irritable than they are insanely realized. Everyone seems to shamelessly mug for the camera in a series of inane sequences that is about as amusing as a hernia operation. Johnson Family Vacation feels like a failed sitcom pilot that didn’t make the UPN fall schedule line up. New York Minute [ click for review ] Financially secure twin titan tarts Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen take to the big screen in a numbing vanity vehicle meant to showcase their approaching adulthood in the rancid romp New York Minute. The darling duo, looking to escape the their nostalgic childhood label during the sitcom heyday of their ABC-TV Full House years, delve into this pointless and uneven farce about two look-a-like sisters with separate goal-oriented agendas in mind. Both Jane Ryan (Ashley) and her rebellious sister Roxy (Mary-Kate) stumble across all sorts of diversions that the big city has to offer while trying to shake off the pursuit of a pesky truancy officer (Eugene Levy) and a riff raffish criminal (Andy Richter). It’s too bad that this vapid venture was such a senseless afterthought given the quirky personalities it managed to round up and take part in this dandy dud. If the Olsen twins wanted to avoid the constant scrutiny involving their teenybopper status and yearn to be taken seriously as they experience young womanhood, pea-brained projects such as New York Minute won’t remedy the situation one bit. Geez, where’s Uncle Joey when you really need him to be the scapegoat! Raise Your Voice [ click for review ] The question remains the same: what’s the deal with the Hilary Duff backers trying to milk every cent from their desirable Disney-esque diva? Fine, Duff has a significant following and they are trying to market her as much as possible. This is all very ambitious of Duff’s handlers to sell their blonde-haired meal ticket as the next best thing this side of sliced bread. But why must they insist on featuring their cutie commodity in pseudo-sentimental sap such as the insufferable Raise Your Voice? Duff is a likeable presence on the big screen but the manufactured singer-actress is trapped in a staid and manipulative tearjerker that rambles on in every cliched, conceivable way. As Teri Fletcher, Duff is a small-town girl with the boisterous voice waiting to burst out at the seams. Personal setbacks and mounting ambivalence prevent Duff’s Teri from seeking out her dream to pursue her singing aspirations. Nevertheless, she overcomes her hesitant decisions and decides to enroll in a performing arts academy. Soon, Teri would find romance and respectability about the creative force of music that drives her soul and spirit. With the corny conventions of a weepy teen tale set aside Raise Your Voice is really about raising the profile of Hilary Duff’s emerging celebrity and turning her into the marketing flavor of the month. It’s that plain and simple. Thus, the very ideal of Raise Your Voice is reduced to more of a gimmick than it is a viable piece of escapist entertainment. Soul Plane [ click for review ] A hapless hip hop raunchy take on the zany themes previously created by the wacky artistic forces behind the madcap cult classic Airplane! Filmmaker Jesse Terrero’s sordid spoof about the nation’s first off-the-wall African-American airline could have been shrewdly irreverent had it possessed the pervasive pulse for clever comedy. Whereas black-oriented ethnic comedies of the 1970’s such as Car Wash or recent frivolous fare such as the Barbershop movie series have diligently flexed some self-deprecating mocking muscle, the grossly simple-minded Soul Plane is just another embarrassment in the making. Armed with exaggerated cartoon characterizations that play to the worst stereotypes imaginable that no doubt spotlights the flunky rhythms of zesty black-oriented ridicule and hedonism, Soul Plane is nothing but a barf bag of ghettoized goings-on that doesn’t have anything exceptional to say in its so-called wayward laughter. You definitely know that Soul Plane is a launching pad for disastrous results when one of the true funny elements in the whole movie is an intolerable Tom Arnold playing a clueless sole white passenger named “Hunkee” (get it?). In watching Soul Plane, one will truly never get over this sort of nagging jet lag. Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 [ click for review ] Clearly, a majority of folks would have trouble trying to breakdown the components of a nuclear bomb. However, this would pale in comparison as to explaining the rationale behind ushering out a diaper rash comedy sequel entitled Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2 starring television’s former Happy Days’ Chachi Arcola heartthrob Scott Baio. Based on the original 1999 inexplicable modest hit Baby Geniuses starring Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd, director Bob Clark figured that he would once again shove this toothless tot tale on the big screen for more juvenile laughs. Well, he figured wrong, didn’t he? As if the first serving of Clark’s precocious pee wees wasn’t enough to stomach over five years ago, we’re introduced to a new batch of boisterous brats that can talk grown up despite their toddler status. So what’s in store for the CGI-talking tykes as they crawl into more mischievous situations? Well, they must stop an opportunistic German media mogul named Biscane (played with sheer embarrassing emphasis by Oscar-winning Jon Voight) from controlling children all over the world with his unassuming mind-bending methods over the airwaves. Gee, and you thought that Super Babies wouldn’t rival an old episode of Romper Room! Actually, it doesn’t…Romper Room is considered Masterpiece Theater as compared to Clark’s kooky crumb-crushing fantasy. The next time you want to define child abuse then try sitting through 95 minutes of Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2. It is then that one will learn that definition very quickly. White Chicks [ click for review ] One can always count on the Wayans clan for an assortment of chuckles enough to break your spine in effortless hilarity. Well, the occasional anemic outrageousness of the Wayans’ formula for flaccid funniness wears and tears on the nerves every now and then. Case in point: their collaboration on the infantile White Chicks, a racial undercover comedy that’s so graceless and gimmicky in its cockeyed manner. Marlon and Shawn Wayans co-wrote and starred (while big brother Keenan Ivory directed) in this makeup mockery as bumbling FBI agent siblings assigned to protect a couple of self-absorbed Hilton Sister prototype hotel heiresses by masquerading around in drag courtesy of bleached skin and stringy blonde hair. Despite resembling a couple of albino transies that looked like they fell in a batter of pancake mix, the sight gags are pure torture and the slapstick feels utterly forced in its painful presentation. This is a cheap and unimaginative costumed eyesore that was ill-conceived from a hip-and-happening talent pool of artists known for their knee-slapping edginess and daring satirical flourishes. This lopsided laugher is just plain lazy in its baseless and blunt conception. All in all, White Chicks got its transparent skirt hiked up by black boobs! HONORABLE MENTION You Got Served [ click for review ] It’s already an uphill battle for the movie musical to remain consistent in its struggle for recognition amongst the possible categories of film genres out there to observe. In the streetwise stinkeroo You Got Served, one can see that the struggle definitely continues on for movie musical respectability. For those of you that hadn’t digested the dimwitted dance drama Honey out of your collective systems, clueless filmmakers had the nerve to try and shove another urban musical miscue down our throats in the form of director Chris Stokes’s fruitless funky flick. The premise behind You Got Served devoted itself to showcasing a couple of slick and stylistic side-steppers applying the trick of their talented trade—competitive dancing. Granted some of the dance bits can be exhilarating in some sequences and the performers do have some charismatic charge in how they convey their expression through rigorous dance moves. However, Stokes never really instills his tepid toe-tapping tale with any soulful gusto or insightful curiosity to make us want to learn more about this colorful artistic activity with “busting a move”. Riddled with bad acting to accompany the flimsy melodramatic tone, the audience “got served” a plate of mediocrity in an inner city MTV-style editing monstrosity that’s confusing and convoluted. Click here to comment on this list or post your own top list. Frank Ochieng © TheWorldJournal.com |
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