Top Box Office Movies - New York Minute

New York Minute (2004) Warner Brothers
1 hr. 27 mins.
Starring: Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen, Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Jared Padalecki, Riley Smith, Andrea Martin, Darrell Hammond, Jack Osbourne, Bob Saget
Directed by: Dennie Gordon

New York Minute

Rating:

E-MAIL FRANK OCHIENG

Photo: Warner Brothers

Former Full House sitcom child stars Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen have proven themselves to be resourceful and resilient little hot commodities when it came to launching such an enterprising campaign as mini-entrepreneurs that made all sorts of big bucks off their profitable name. Well, the twin tarts want to combine their interests as eager young businesswomen and giddy actresses by serving up a lame and lousy slapstick comedy as their latest project to promote the Olsen brand-wagon. In the Dennie Gordon-directed and Olsen-produced urban screwball dud New York Minute, this vacuous vehicle is indeed a misguided vanity piece for the twin teenyboppers haplessly making their way into the marketing moviemaking scene.

Grossly uninspired and disposable to boot, this nonsensical narrative is a painfully sketchy and lackluster diversion that may draw the attention of impressionable preteen girls and horndog middle-aged men that perversely drool for the almost-legalized sibling sasses. However, the rest of the demographic audience will sit there in sheer amazement as to how pointless and woefully stagnant this laugh-free romp really is. Consequently, this New York Minute feels like a tedious and trivial 87-minute gimmick that panders shamelessly to the consuming masses of the non-discriminating juvenile fan base. This odious flick recklessly tosses around tiresome racial stereotypes as one does breadcrumbs to hungry pigeons in Central Park. Overall, this Olsen excursion into feisty feminine frivolity is convincingly unimaginative and lacking in the kinetic comedic timing of its cutesy convictions.

Granted New York Minute is an opportunistic showcase for the look-alike sisters to show how much they’ve grown in the eyes of the inquisitive media and adoring public since their innocuous prime time days as sweetly rug rats on the boob tube. And they demonstrate that gleefully as they get to parade around provocatively in fashionable skimpy clothing or occasionally don clinging towels to their young curvy naked bodies in a so-called amusing sequence that has them hastily scampering around New York City. There’s such a creepy and questionable overtone in the way this movie wants to parlay the Olsen twins as awakening young women desperately trying to escape their nostalgic “good girl” past. But let’s face facts—New York Minute is too anemic and sparse to be considered shrewd enough to present Ashley and Mary-Kate as blooming babes-in-the-woods straddling the fence into wily womanhood. Sure, it’s a reasonable assumption that the Olsen twins want to breakout from their suffocating teeny tot skins and assume a grown-up persona as shapely young ladies capable of swimming in the waves of an adult-themed arena wrapped in a PG package. Still, it’s too bad that they conceived this big screen blunder to emphasize their growing pains point of view.

This farfetched farce stars Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen as…surprise…adventurous 17-year old twin sisters Jane and Roxy Ryan. Of course the movie quickly launches the predictable riotous premise by establishing how much different the Ryan sibs are based on their conflicting personalities and interests. Jane (Ashley) is the studious and ambitious one whose penchant for knowledge and organization will no doubt land her the educational dreams of a lifetime—an acceptance to attend prestigious Oxford University on a full-paid scholarship. Roxy (Mary-Kate), on the other hand, is the wild child that doesn’t cater to schooling as much as her bookworm sister. Instead, Roxy is a rock drummer/musician looking to solidify her goals by promoting her progressive grunge band in anticipation of tracking down influential record executives that can discover her and their musical talent. Together, the gals have different aspirations all balled up in their same-looking bodily features. The question does remain this: will they ultimately realize their accomplishments in “a New York minute” or will it prolong the inevitable for the girls to experience their drive for success?

As the Ryan twins head to the Big Apple from their comfort zone in the sheltered utopia of the posh suburbs, it appears that all havoc breaks loose in one exaggerated form or another. While Jane is scheduled to give a rousing speech at Columbia University and Roxy looks to infiltrate a celebrated music video shoot, the sideshow drastically begins its course. When Jane and Roxy are not trying to duck and dodge the pursuit of a put-upon truant officer (the normally hilarious Eugene Levy) via their recycled and tepid ode to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the identical tandem randomly mingle amongst the nutty ethnic types. Hence, these multicultural misfits bring some scatterbrained comic relief to the duo's urban jungle existence. See the Ryans mix words with an exasperated Arab convenience store clerk. See the Ryans tangle with a deceptive Asian crime syndicate and their affinity for dealing out pirated CDs and DVD movies. See the Ryans chill out with the funky black bunch at the House of Bling hair salon where the unsuspecting youthful blonde bombshells get a taste of hip hop heaven while hiding out. Even Andy Richter, as a culturally confused kidnapper, gets into the act by doing this ill-advised thick-accented Chinese dialect that’s as cartoonish and over-the-top as it is incredibly offensive. How nice that the privileged princesses get to stroll amongst the entertaining and eccentric city-dwellers of color, huh? It’s pretty condescending to see the manufactured ruckus being demonstrated here with the perky Olsens/Ryans slated as sideline cheerleaders plucked into the hollow proceedings.

Dennie Gordon, who was responsible for helming the synthetic chick flick What a Girl Wants, approaches this silly material with all the energy of a lethargic kangaroo because he aimlessly hops back and forth while trying desperately to give this muddled mess an energizing boost. Having the Olsen siblings gingerly prance around as the mindless madness into Manhattan trudges on with excruciating fanfare, Gordon doesn’t seem motivated enough to construct a story that is particularly stimulating or involving. The feeble contributions of screenwriters Adam Cooper, Emily Fox, and Bill Collage do not help any as they conjure up a cockeyed and cliched script that’s not competent enough to line a pooping parakeet’s birdcage.

Watching Ashley and Mary-Kate clash with the inner city peons reeks of absolute boredom. The girls show no genuine spontaneity in their spunky on-screen high jinks and are notoriously ineffective as the pesky pair that invites the moviegoers to come along and indulge in their stilted misadventures. The laughs are noticeably absent and the physical comedy is weak-kneed and arbitrary. Plus, the gamy notion of sexually spicing up the Olsen twins seems like an awkward and bold thing to do from a manipulating standpoint. After all, they are only SEVENTEEN for goodness sakes! Cultivating these minor girls into poster pixies for future men’s magazines within a kid-oriented movie almost seems criminal and exploitative in content. How in the world will parents respond to this movie with their easily influenced tykes when the idolized Olsen twins want to parlay themselves as bubbly and bouncy bimbos-in-the-making? If Ashley and Mary-Kate want to turn themselves into instant high calorie eye candy for the hormonal males of all ages to grope over and the coming-of-age females to emulate, that’s their personal business. However, it is vastly irresponsible for the Olsens and their handlers to feature such suggestive sight gags in having these baby-faced gals traipsing around in revealing mini skirts or encouraging hints of teasing nudity as a means of complimenting its screwball tendencies. And what’s the idea of saddling Ashley and Mary-Kate with hunky boytoy love interests (WB-TV’s Gilmore Girls supporting player Jared Padalecki and Riley Smith) that are too old to be playing kissy face with the teen sassy strumpets?

What makes the prospect of New York Minute a doomed venture outside of its apparent underlying sleaze factor in displaying the Olsen sisters as wannabe life-size boisterous Barbie dolls is the idea that so many talented performers are inexplicably trapped in such a dour and damper piece of unthinkable fluff. With the credible comic presence of SCTV alums Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin, current Saturday Night Live participant Darrell Hammond and infectious funnyman Andy Richter, it’s totally inexcusable for this moldy movie to be looked upon as such a disastrous waste of time. It took an inside wink of featuring the former dry-witted America’s Funniest Videos host and the Olsens’ Full House television dad Bob Saget to bring a semblance of a half-hearted chiseled smile when he made his playful cameo appearance in this dreck. And casting sex advice expert Dr. Drew Pinsky as the Olsen twins’ Minute father was mildly cheeky and subversive in forethought. A couple of quirky casting whims here and there cannot severely overcome what an inconsequential gaffe New York Minute is in its dispiriting mode.

Hence, it certainly took all of my Boston-based sixty seconds to detest the dismal New York Minute. Shockingly, this is one pronounced slab of pre-adolescent pabulum at its finest…or at its worst—simply take your pick.

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Frank Ochieng
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