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Darrell, The DICEOB, and You:
The Story of a California Recall
By Moira Williams, TheWorldJournal.com

It is a warm summer afternoon, and the fate of California politics lies in the hands of an Austrian robot, a self-proclaimed smut peddler, and a personality-less politician aptly named "Grey".

The future hasn't looked so bleak since the October national elections.

But wait, there is a light at the end of the tunnel - and its name is Darrell Issa.

Appropriately enough, the name "Darrell", derived from French, means "beloved", "knowledgeable", and "one who wishes to control his destiny". Equally as illustrative is the etymology of DICEOB, the Darrell Issa California Election Omnipotence Bill group, who are assembled on the steps of San Francisco's City Hall to play the glockenspiel and rally for Issa to be nominated as Lord and Supreme Ruler of California.

If you're a U.S. citizen or have seen Terminator 3, you now know that California has decided to try and recall its current governor, Grey Davis, a Democrat known for his poor budget record (at press time the state owed 38 billion to the world in general) and his dreary demeanor. An October ballot will ask votes two questions: Would you like to recall Governor Davis? If so, who should be his replacement? If the state decides to recall Davis, the replacement candidate with the most votes will take over office for the rest of Davis' term.

Somewhere, Florida is laughing.

To recap the recall so far: Republican Issa came out of the gate strong, pouring over a million dollars of his own money into petitioning against Davis. There was the to-be-expected upset (the people of California) and anger (the Democrats of California), scandal (the bringing to light of former accusations- but no convictions! - against Issa of car theft and possession of unlicensed firearms) and square dancing (supporters of DICEOB at the Lordship Rally). There was backstabbing and betrayal; Davis's fellow Democrat Lieutenant governor Cruz Bustamante said that he absolutely did not support the recall, but if you were going to vote for a replacement candidate, you should vote for him. The ex-husband of Democrat Arianna Huffington threw a rock in her path by announcing that her decision to run had caused their kids to move out of her house and into his. He was confident that within a few months, she would lose and all would return to 'normal'.

Then Arnold and his millions of dollars announced that he was running. Arianna tripped herself up as she tripped on microphone wires in her high heels chasing Arnold and news cameras at the L.A. court office, where both were filing candidacy papers. Clutching the arm of his wife, Issa shed tears as he pulled himself out of the running.

This fact doesn't faze DICEOB supporters at the Darrell Issa Lordship Rally this particular Saturday morning, August 9th. They seem positively (may we say it?) pumped as they shout cheers - "Ain't no rally like a Representative Darrell Issa rally 'cuz a Representative Darrell Issa rally don't stop!" - and two-step to the jivin' accordion, gong, mandolin, and glockenspiel rhythms of local band Lupus Lupus on the steps of City Hall. I later sat down with my computer to e-mail DICEOB founder Gabe Koplowitz some questions. Here are his replies.

INTERVIEWER: Gabe, as many of us are aware, you are the founder and driving force behind DICEOB. What was your inspiration?

GABE KOPLOWITZ: The facts are simple: Appallingly few eligible Californian voters actually exercise that right-the right to participate in the wondrous democratic process of representative government. And even those who do vote rarely take the time to inform themselves about the issues or candidates for which/whom they are voting. So from my point of view, the solution was simple-put the power to decide the outcome of every California election in the hands of one man. Thus, under the Darrell Issa California Election Omnipotence Bill (or DICEOB), all California elections, on every level, will henceforth be subject to Rep. Darrell Issa's approval. The outcome of all state elections will be duly noted by Rep. Issa as a suggestion, but not as an actual outcome. From now on, voting results provided by the general electorate will bear no legal authority.
Rep. Issa will respectfully examine the outcomes of all California elections, and then decide whether or not the correct outcome was reached. If Rep. Issa declares that the wrong person has won, it will be within his jurisdiction to appoint his own victor, or, if no suitable victor can be found, he may appoint himself. In addition, if Rep. Issa chooses to recall any elected official, his brother William, with whom Rep. Issa allegedly once stole a car, will also take possession of the deposed official's automobile.

I: Why Darrell Issa? What is it about the man that screams, "I am the man!"?

GK: [Issa is] a man who is looking out for California's best interests. A man who has vast experience in both the business and political sectors. A man who has never actually been convicted of any crimes, particularly not grand theft auto. He is determined, he is steadfast, he is the future of California, and perhaps the world.

I: How about that William?

GK: I'm glad you asked, Moira. Few people know about "the other Issa," William. He is of moderate build, and upright stature.

I: What are the principles and beliefs of DICEOB?

GK: At the core of DICEOB is the idea that Darrell Issa is the wisest person in the entire world. Is he the greatest person off all time? I can't say - only Darrell Issa knows for sure. As the wisest, Darrell Issa is in a unique position which enables him to correctly dictate the best path for California to take. To read the full version of the Darrell Issa California Election Omnipotence Bill, visit http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/diceob/issa1.html.

I: How did you feel when Darrell cried as he announced that he was dropping out of the recall race?

GK: Forlorn, but ultimately it didn't faze me, as it has no real bearing on DICEOB. In fact, gubernatorial duties would have most likely put an unnecessary burden on Rep. Issa's already busy schedule.

I: And finally, do you think there's anything we can do to turn the tide of this election around? Can hope lie over the horizon, beyond the looming shadows of Arnold the Austrian and Larry [Flynt] the Lewd?

GK: I myself have become disenchanted, perhaps too much so, with all of this recall hullabaloo, but through the haze of a broken government and divided populace, I can see that the important factor is this - if the recall is enacted and a new governor elected, he or she must be in full support of DICEOB for this great state of ours to stand a chance.

Darrell Issa Lordship Rally trading cards can be obtained by contacting gabe@mcsweeneys.net. Now available in two varieties: Cheers and Dances!

© August 20, 2003

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